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THE NORTHERN KENTUCKY SEARCHER VOLUME 3, NUMBER 9, MARCH 30, 2003 THE MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP (PART 9) This is a continuation from last week’s article concerning what to do when fighting and serious contention breaks out in a marriage. Seek help and advice from the proper people. Consider the situation here at Northern Kentucky . Who is responsible for the spiritual well being of everyone of the members? The elders (Hebrews 13:17 ). They are elders by virtue of meeting the qualifications set forth in 1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1. Those qualification demand a certain degree of wisdom and experience. They are husbands and fathers. They have done and are doing a good job in their homes. That doesn’t mean that they have been, or always are, perfect – but it does mean that they have done a good job in order to be qualified. Go to them for help. They care and are the best equipped to be of assistance. I believe that another source of assistance the bible speaks of, especially for the younger women, is the older women. In Titus 2:4, one the things that the older women are to do is to teach the young women “to love their husbands”. There is a lot involved in that. An older, faithful sister who has successfully navigated the sometimes turbulent waters of marriage can be an invaluable source of help. Notice I said invaluable, not infallible; and faithful older sisters. Make the Number One priority God. Next in line should be your spouse and making that marriage work as God designed it. When #1 is right, and # 2 is right, then priority #3, me, will be just fine too. Whenever a marriage has reached the point of polarization, where it is no longer the husband and wife working together but two locked in combat, what is to be done? The man and woman are so very unhappy, the children are suffering tremendous emotional stress, and it usually also means that the family, or part of it, has become sporadic in attendance at services. When a civil word barely passes between the man and the woman it is pretty safe to say that not a lot of bible study is going on there either. When it has reached that point you can also count on the fact that very little prayer is being offered by the husband for the wife, or the wife for the husband, because if it was, the anger and hatred would subside. You cannot remain bitter toward one for whom you are praying. So, what is to be done? Over the years I have been amazed at the advice that brethren have given brethren to deal with these marriage problems that have been allowed to go to seed. The most incredible one of all is – go ahead and get a divorce; it just means that you can’t get married again. Worse advice has never been given. That is advising a brother or sister in Christ to sin. There is only one reason given in God’s word for divorce – only one. It is found in Matthew 5:32 and Matthew 19:9. That one reason is fornication. To divorce for any other reason is to sin. If an individual marries after they have divorced for a reason other than fornication, they have committed another sin, adultery is what the Bible calls it. But we must understand that a divorce for any reason other than fornication is a sin in and of itself. Such a divorce is wrong! Some have advised a brother or sister to go ahead and get a divorce for a reason other than fornication (there is sin #1, both in the doing and in the advising), and than in the future, if their former spouse marries someone else, they would be free to marry. That is absolutely not true! If we look at Matthew 19:9, without the exception clause, the meaning is clear. If a person has been divorced for a reason other than fornication, they cannot remarry without sin. The passage says, “Whosoever shall put away his wife and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.” Divorce is not an option where no fornication has been committed. I have actually known of some who thought they could manipulate their way around God’s law of marriage and divorce by denying their spouse their God-given conjugal rights until that person became so frustrated that they went out and committed adultery. It is incredible that such conduct would need to be discussed in a series of articles dealing with brethren, but such has been done and that advice has been given. 1 Corinthians 7:1 – 4, clearly shows that the denying of those rights to one’s marriage partner is sin! We cannot commit a sin, to cause another to commit a sin, whereby we might benefit! How do members of the Lord’s church even think of such things? Others have advised, “Well, don’t get a divorce, but just separate and live apart.” I have even heard some call it a “legal separation”. I suppose you can get such a thing via the laws of the land, but not in God’s law. Again, 1 Corinthians 7:1-4 would clearly show that such conduct is wrong, sinful, and ungodly. It is possible for a couple to separate for a period of time – not indefinitely. But this separation must be by mutual consent, for the purpose of both giving themselves to prayer and fasting, and they must come together again to avoid the temptation to commit adultery that Satan would place before them. Look at 1 Corinthians 7:5, where Paul wrote, “Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer, and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.” Others have advised couples to remain in the same house, (for the sake of the children and recognizing that they have no right to divorce), to live essentially in a platonic relationship. That is not God’s design for marriage. That is in violation of 1 Corinthians 7:1-4. That is putting a band aid on a gaping wound. It is not fixing the problem, it is compounding it. When a marriage of a brother and sister is falling apart, the goal is to fix it, not to destroy it. The marriage would not be in that state if they had walked consistently with God in the marriage in the first place. The marriage will never be fixed by leaving God out of the solution. Greg Litmer
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