THE NORTHERN KENTUCKY SEARCHER
"Search the scriptures: for in them ye think ye have eternal life: and they are they which testify of me. " (John 5:39)

VOLUME 1, NUMBER 47, DECEMBER 23, 2001

THINKING ABOUT THE FAMILY
PART 3

On occasion problems will arise in a marriage that have to do with the intimate side of the relationship. If there is no physical cause creating the difficulty, then it seems that most often it is possible to trace the disturbance back to a failure to embrace and abide by Ephesians 5:21, "Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God."

In 1 Cor. 7:1 - 5, some very basic principles dealing with this side of marriage are set forth. Paul wrote, "Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: it is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto her husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency."

There have been instances where the intimate side of marriage has been used as a weapon. What I mean by this is that one or the other will defraud their mate, depriving them of their God-given right, until they get their own way about some matter. Surely we can all see that such behavior is an ungodly as can be and is in direct violation of the principle of Ephesians 5:21, as well as many others.

I have had people tell me over the years that they no longer find their mate physically attractive or appealing. Sometimes the mate, thinking only of him or herself, has in fact allowed their physical appearance to deteriorate, no longer even trying to make themselves attractive for their spouse. Sometimes it is just that the complainer thinks the grass is going to be greener on the other side, and they don't stop to think that maybe the stretch marks came from the bearing of children or that the little bit of a belly is just nature's way of saying you are getting older. Instead of thinking of what a joy it is to go through all of those stages of life together, they think only of the physical things that are not what true love is all about. So often this kind of complaint and problem has its birth in just plain selfishness and a failure to understand and abide by Ephesians 5:21.

How many marriages of brethren over the years have been torn asunder by adultery? More than I care to think about. When all of the rationalization has been done, and all of the excuses have been given, 99.99999% of the time it boils down to selfishness. How can there possibly be unselfish concern for the desires and the wishes of the spouse and adultery be committed? How can the one guilty of such a thing be considering the feelings and needs of his/her mate? This is all part and parcel of "submitting one to another", and the Holy Spirit through Paul used marriage to illustrate how it is supposed to work in Ephesians 5.

I have known of marriages among brethren destroyed because of moral issues. One or the other decides they want to engage in some activity that is contrary to God's Word. It might be drinking, or gambling, or pornography, or any one of a number of other things that Christians should stay as far away from as possible. When the one spouse refuses to violate God's law to placate the selfish and unholy desire of the other, trouble comes. Who causes the trouble? Is it the one who refuses to sin or the one who demands their own way, even to the extent of trying to lead their spouse into sin with them? These kinds of things are the result of a failure to apply Ephesians 5:21.

Sometimes there are problems with the discipline of the children? Why is it that some couples refuse to sit down and talk out their differences about how certain parental responsibilities should be handled? Could it be that one or the other is determined that it will be their way or no way? I understand that the man is the head of the family, yet at the same time I recognize that Ephesians 5:21, "Submitting yourselves one to another" also applies to his relationship with his wife and not just hers to him. The woman was created as a help "meet" for man. That means complimentary and compatible in every way. If her opinion isn't worth anything, neither is his. When there is genuine submission, real concern for the desires and the wishes of the spouse, these kinds of problems won't prove to be problems for very long.

For many of us one the happiest, as well as one of the most frightening, days of our lives was the day when the doctor said the test was positive and there was a baby on the way. As we looked into the eyes of our spouse and held each other close we knew that we were embarking on a new and exciting adventure. Do you remember the feeling? Do you remember the love you felt for that person you had chosen to spend your life with? Do you remember the feeling of responsibility knowing that you were going to be bringing a new life into this world? Remember the countless hours spent in discussion about how you were going to raise that child, what you would and would not do? Oh, the innocence of inexperience and youth! Remember the childbirth classes, the shopping, the showers, and all of the things that go along with the impending arrival of a new addition to a family?

What a blessing it is to be parents! The psalmist wrote in Psa. 127:3 - 5, "Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is His reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are the children of youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate."

God's plan for the family is a wonderful thing - one man and one woman together for life, being fruitful and multiplying, bringing children into the world. Within His plan God has provided for the physical needs of the child, for the intellectual needs of the child, for the emotional needs of the child, and for the spiritual needs of the child. To summarize how God has provided for these needs we can simply say, "the parents'.

The responsibility to provide for the physical needs of the child is found in such passages as 1 Tim. 5:8, "But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel." When it comes to the intellectual, emotional, and spiritual needs such passages as Deut. 6:6 & 7, and Eph. 6:4, show that God has placed the primary responsibility in these areas on the shoulders of the parents. When we choose to become parents, we choose to assume these responsibilities. If ever there is a situation where God would have us put the needs of others before ourselves it is in the realm of parenting. Certainly, when it comes to manifesting genuine care and concern for others, our children must be at the top of that list. Why is it that we are seeing more and more parents within the Lord's church acting like those in the world when it comes to their children and their parental responsibilities?

I truly believe with all of my heart that, barring death, a child has the God-given right to grow up with both parents. Surely that truth is contained in our Lord's teaching concerning marriage in such passages as Matt. 5:32, "But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery." God's intention is that marriage consist of one man and one woman together for life. I truly believe that a child has the God-given right to have all of his or her needs provided through the faithful fulfillment of their responsibilities by the parents. Yet more and more we are seeing parents fail in this area and the children suffering because of it, and it is happening within the church.

There is a passage that I would like to take out of its context because the wording of it fits this topic. It is found in Gen. 42:22, and is a statement Reuben made to his brother concerning their ungodly treatment of their brother Joseph. Reuben said, "Spake I not unto you, saying, Do not sin against the child: and ye would not hear? Therefore, behold, also his blood is required." When marriages deteriorate into unhappiness and discontent, or when they dissolve altogether and end in divorce; the children of those marriages are being "sinned against".

A child should not be deprived of the constant presence of a mother or father. The child has the God-given right to both. A child should not have to listen to his mother or father fight. A child should never have to choose one parent over another and certainly should never have to hear one parent trying to convince them to choose over the other. A child should not have to undergo emotional problems because he or she somehow feels responsible for the ungodly behavior of his parents. A child should never have to be used as a pawn in a power struggle between two parents. I stood in a courtroom hallway and watched and listened as two "divorce" lawyers (representing two "Christians") negotiated over the children. They were actually bargaining with one another as the parents sought to WIN the battle, and the children were the bounty. A child should never have to be deprived of one set of the grandparents.

There will be more next week.
Greg Litmer